Features > The Guidance Counselor

by Doug McClelland

(posted March, 2004)

From: Jealous in Houston
Subject: Unwanted feelings
Question: I was in a relationship with a wonderful guy. Unfortunately, the relationship ended. Six months later we met up again and we began to date. We have now committed to each other once again. I have an issue that I am trying to deal with. My lover met this twenty-something year old during the time that we were apart. They slept together for a certain period of time and realized that the relationship was not going to work and remained friends -- so-called best friends now. My lover has assured me that he is totally committed to me and that experience was just a meaningless fling. I realize and can understand that but I cannot help but feel jealous when he talks to him or sees him. Are my feelings normal or am I just overreacting and need to get over it?

Dear Jealous: I think you should just get over it, if you can.

In addition to the various options straight men and women have to meet their friends, gays often become friends with former ‘tricks’. It is one of the unique features of gay society, as it is not common for hetero one night stands to evolve on to friendship. Often, cruising for sex is the recreational activity of choice for gay men, and recreational activities is where you meet new friends. The process of cruising and tricking exposes you to lots of other guys and those who do not turn out to be Mr. Right may happen to turn out to be buddy material. This is very common.

Recreational sex is something that a couple of guys can experience together as simple fun without it leading to emotional commitments. While your lover was a free man he had sex with this guy and then they became friends. This sounds perfectly natural to me. Please take a moment to consider if there are any of your friends that started out as tricks.

Personally, a number of my life long friends are guys with whom my first encounter was casual sex and I also stayed friends with my former lovers upon our separations. These men are now friends of both me and my lover.

If this man is your lover’s best friend you should make an effort to make him your friend too.

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From: Frat Boy
Subject: ‘Res’ sex
Question: I live in residence at my fraternity house at college. I'm not out at school. There is lots of drinking and partying and one night I ended up in another guy’s room, both bombed, and we ended up in bed. I don't think I initiated it but it is very vague. I woke up back in my own room with a hangover and lots of questions. I'm pretty sure he started it because I would be too shy even when bombed to make a move. He has not acknowledged anything since. In one way I would really like to have more happen with this guy because he is a really great guy. On the other hand, I wonder if I would be better off to continue to keep my sexuality private at school.

Dear Frat Boy: Your letter brought back memories for me. Phi Delta Theta is my fraternity and when I was in university I had an ongoing relationship with a fellow frat brother which consisted of repeated drunken nights like yours, followed by no acknowledgement. A number of years later we both came out and are still friends but have still never discussed those nights. I think for both of us it was part of the process of finding ourselves and that neither was ready to come out at the time.

Only you can know if you are ready to come out at school. It can be much more challenging, especially in a frat environment, than in your private social circle. I would not make any precipitous moves based on this one experience.

As for the other guy, since you are in the same fraternity and residence there should be opportunities to socialize with him that do not involve getting totally drunk. Try to get to know him casually and just see where it leads. He too may be into further intimacy. But remember it is also possible that he was just a straight guy drunk enough to fool around one time. Only time will tell.

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From: Chuckles
Subject: Ass advice
Question: It took me years and years before I started enjoying taking it in my ass. I like it especially when I am in trio sex. However, now it seems like I can't hold my bowel movement. Before, when I was not taking in my ass, I could hold my movement for hours and hours and now I can't even hold it for fifteen minutes. I am afraid that if I keep on bottoming one day I will have no control of my bowel movements and shitting in my pants rather in the toilet. Do you have any advice or suggestion on this?

Dear Chuckles: Typical bottoming should not affect your bowel movements on an ongoing basis. Your sphincter is a muscle that can relax or tighten without being damaged under normal circumstances.

If you are saying that you need to have a bowel movement soon after being fucked but this problem does not happen other days, then I would say that is just normal because things have been stirred up inside you and should not be something to worry about. However, if you are saying this problem now occurs even on days when you have not been fucked it is possible that there is a problem in which case you might want to speak to a gay doctor.

Extreme activities can cause damage. For example, fisting can cause problems because in order to accommodate your partner's hand or arm your sphincter muscle must stretch to the max. Such stretching can damage your colon and sphincter muscles. The same might be true for excessive hard pounding. If the trio sex you refer to enjoying consists of a couple of big guys pounding your ass hard all night then yes, it could be related to your problem.

One question; why would you want to hold a bowel movement for hours and hours?

 

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