Features > The Guidance Counselor

by Doug McClelland

(posted August, 2004)

From: Too Polite
Subject: Extricating oneself from bad sex
Question: How do you stop having sex half way through it, when you change your mind? I was cruising in the park and hooked up with a fairly good-looking guy. We started making out OK but I wanted to get my cock sucked and he was more into jacking each other off. I accommodated that but then he turned out to be into spit. He wanted me to spit into his mouth and to spit into mine not to mention he had bad breath. It was a bit late to exit gracefully so I did my best to get him off quickly, without worrying about myself. Once free of him, I eventually found a hot guy into sucking me off. How should I have extricated myself?

Dear Too Polite: Actually I think you did exactly the right thing in getting the first guy off and then moving on. Of course you are never obliged to continue something you are not enjoying but since you initially found the guy attractive it probably was not too much of an ordeal to help him get off.

In anonymous encounters there are very few rules. You just find the right guy for the moment and do what needs doing. My only rule is to treat other guys the way you would want to be treated; be considerate. Imagine how you might feel if in the middle of making out the other guy stopped you and said: "Yuck, I'm not into that. Let's stop." If you really must get out of a situation I’d suggest saying something like, “Sorry, I need to take a break for awhile.” Your partner may realize you are dumping him but it will allow you to disengage without directly insulting him.

Of course a little negotiation before the action might prevent the problem but a lot of the time that's just not the way it works.

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From: Major Bottom
Subject: More Bottoms than Tops
Question: I note that in previous columns you have discussed the fact that there are more bottoms than tops in gay life. But you did not comment on why that might be. I think that the intrinsic gay experience is the physical act of getting fucked. Taking it up the ass is the thing that we do that straights don’t do.

Dear Major Bottom: That’s an interesting theory. I agree that being fucked may be a defining gay experience. For example, in many third world countries and reactionary cultures only the passive partner is considered gay while the tops are considered just horny guys who will fuck anything. But it takes two to fuck. So for every bottoming experience there is a topping experience. Plus, there are a lot of gay guys who prefer other forms of sex to getting fucked. Is cocksucking any less important? As well, if you read the Savage Love column written by Dan Savage, it seems that there are enough straight guys getting fucked with dildos by their girlfriend that a name has been invented for it: pegging.

For me getting fucked is ‘the supreme sacrifice’ that gets given up only rarely in special situations. My intrinsic gay experience is what is going on inside my head when I am fucking a man.

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From: NYCboy
Subject: How healthy is healthy?
Question: I understand that HIV drugs keep positive guys alive by suppressing the level of the virus in their bodies. But does this reduce the chance of them passing on the virus to others? I had sex with a hot, healthy looking guy who later told me that he was positive but not contagious because the drugs have his disease under control.

Dear NYCboy: Positive guys taking HIV drugs do have a reduced likelihood of passing on the virus. There is less of the virus in their body fluids so their partner’s exposure is reduced. Some positive guys are informed that their viral load is “undetectable” by their doctor. This means it is so low that the normal tests don’t reveal it but it does not mean that it is 100% gone. Reduced chance of transmission is not ‘no’ chance. Use a condom if you want to be sure of safety.

A study conducted in Taiwan confirmed that drugs reduce transmission. A recently released report on it sheds light on the subject. In 1997, Taiwan began providing modern, highly effective anti-retroviral drugs to HIV positive people free of charge (hello! USA?). The researchers say that since then the infection rate has halved. Meanwhile, the rates for other sexually transmitted diseases, like syphilis and gonorrhea, have remained constant. The researchers say that this proves it is the drugs, rather than any changes in people’s behavior, which are making the difference for HIV.

 

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