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Features > The Guidance Counselor
by Doug McClelland
(posted October, 2004)
From:
Sting
Subject: Aggressive vs. passive bottoms
Question: I'm a top and I know what that means but what's
the difference between an aggressive and passive bottom?
Dear Sting: Top and bottom define how you participate in the sexual act. Defining aggressive and passive bottoms is mainly about cruising attitudes and behaviors. Of course there are limitless variations on individual cruising behavior but let me give you a very simplified example. Suppose you are at a bathhouse and clearly identifying as a top. A passive bottom might try to catch your eye by displaying himself while on the other hand an aggressive bottom might come up to you and grab your cock. When actually in bed a passive bottom may prefer to lay back and get fucked, while the aggressive bottom might prefer to be on top riding your cock. Similar terms are also used for tops in reverse, with the passive top lying back while the bottom does most of the work and the aggressive top taking the lead.
From:
Another Doug
Subject: Premature ejaculation
Question: I’ve been a premature ejaculator most of
my adult life (pretty extreme case), now in my late 40’s,
who has spent a couple years investigating and perusing all the
current therapies -- psychological counseling, anti-anxiety medication,
hands-on body-work/sex therapy, several different anti-depressants
(their side effects sometimes include delayed ejaculation), Viagra
and Cialis, and nothing has helped. My health care provider will
not refer me to a Urologist because the medical community widely
regards premature ejaculation as a psychological issue which it
very well may be. My own fears or emotional scars might be causal
or contributory (hell, being gay can be plenty treacherous). In
all other respects I’m an extremely healthy, horny (and pretty
studly) male, but have never been able to express or fulfill myself
sexually as most of my sexual escapades end in embarrassment and
confusion which leads to avoidance and the continuance of a bad
cycle. Do you know of any online support groups for gay men who
share my circumstances or any therapies or medications that I might
not have tried? A sympathetic partner, as per one counselor’s
suggestion, might be the first step but finding that person has
proven virtually impossible.
Dear Another Doug: Studies say that a normal ejaculation should occur within three to five minutes of continuous thrusting. But anytime you cum before you want to could be called premature. For some guys it can be a huge problem.
There are a wide variety of treatment suggestions. Masters and Johnson, the famous sex therapists, suggest desensitization in which you gradually teach yourself to prolong your arousal period without cumming. Basically, you work yourself to the point where an orgasm is close and then you stop all stimulation. Most men find that desensitization works eventually.
Some men self-treat premature ejaculation by using condoms to decrease sensitivity. You can also buy many anesthetic creams, gels and sprays that decrease sensation. If you try this make sure you check the labels carefully because many contain oils that can damage latex condoms.
An old trick is simply to jackoff before you head out for sex to take the edge off.
Doctors can also prescribe medications to treat your premature ejaculation. The most common drugs prescribed are anti-depressants which if taken in low doses may help end your problem. Often you can take the drug on an as-needed basis, even in the morning before an anticipated evening of sex, and it works well. The most common medications prescribed include Prozac, Zoloft, and Anafranil. In fact you often here those on anti-depressants complain that they have trouble cumming because of their medication. Anti-anxiety medications such as Valium and Xanax have also been shown to be effective in treating premature ejaculation in some.
As you seem to be looking for something beyond these conventional treatments I have one more suggestion: marathon sex. Since you don’t have a sympathetic partner to help you work through this try going to a bathhouse or sex club and having sex with multiple partners until you are desensitized. You may cum prematurely with the first guy you trick with but you should get to a point where you’ll take a while to cum with a second or third subsequent guy. Multiple sex partners may also help to desensitize you psychologically, which as you note can be the source of the problem. Good luck.
From:
John
Subject: Risky activity
Question: I am a married bi-sexual male. My wife is not aware
of my "extra-curricular activities." I don't want to bring
home an unexpected present so I have been using condoms with my
male lovers. I am not only worried about HIV but hepatitis and herpes
(and anything else that might be out there). Is it possible to get
any of these while kissing my partner? If I suck him but don't let
him cum in my mouth would I be at risk for any of these? So far
I’ve used condoms on my partner's penis while I suck him.
Sometimes, however, he sucks me while my penis is unprotected. All
of my anal play has been with condoms (giving or receiving). Please
advise. Thank you.
Dear John: Let me answer your question in two parts.
Since you are using condoms faithfully you should be protected from HIV. Sucking him without a condom still exposes you to his precum which can contain HIV but risk is considered low because the environment in your mouth/throat/stomach generally kills the virus. Kissing is pretty safe.
You should get vaccinated for hepatitis A and B by your doctor. There is a serious problem in general these days with hepatitis so asking your doctor for this should not imply you are gay. As for herpes, I recently read an estimate saying that twenty percent of North Americans have it. It is not really such a big deal and there are medications to prevent it from bothering you. So I think that once you get your hepatitis shots you should be fairly well protected. Of course there are other things like crabs or scabies that you could pick up and bring home.
The second issue is that your wife does not know about you having sex outside your relationship. I’m all for fucking with married guys but I can’t help but feel a bit queasy about anyone fucking around while leaving their partner with the belief that they are in a monogamous relationship. It’s not just that you might bring home disease or parasites, it is the emotional betrayal involved. I’m one who believes that bi-sexuality is just a form of self-delusion used until a guy is ready to come out. So I have to suggest to you that you might want to look at the bigger picture of your life and get on with joining the real fun of full-fledged queerness.
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