Features > The Guidance Counselor

by Doug McClelland

[Editor: See here for our standard note on confidentiality and anonymity.]

(posted March, 2006)

From: Fraser
Subject: Online profiles
Question: Doug, I've been posting profiles on a few Web sites for a while now but I rarely get a response and when I do it's never from someone who interests me. I never really know what to say in these profiles. I'm a fairly good-looking guy and the pic I post doesn’t make me look like a loser. Are there guidelines for success in doing this? Thanks for any help. Love your column.

Dear Fraser: I’m really pleased to get your question as I often wonder about profiles I see online. Some just seem useless in telling me about the guy writing it; some make me wonder how some guys ever get laid. As we are Cruising for Sex, I’ll assume you want advice for hooking up and not for “making friends” or finding a long term relationship and not for just “lurking” around looking at other guys profiles.

First and foremost you need a great photo. It should not be some half-assed, out of focus, poorly lit, Web cam pic. When I look at a profile pic I assume that this is the best the guy will ever look. You only have a brief moment to attract the interest of other guys browsing through thousands of profiles. As well, unless you are a closeted celebrity you need a face pic. When I see profiles that only include a cock pic I sometimes think, “nice dick…but it must be attached to someone unattractive if he does not post a face pic with it.” Very few men will actually meet you without a face pic. Of course you can say “your face pic gets mine” but really if you want guys to stop at your profile and contact you, include a face pic.

Second, have some naked body pics. I’m not interested in cute vacation shots of you in front of Niagara Falls. I want to see your chest, your dick and your ass. Guys are going to look over your pics and decide whether they might be interested in sex with you. I don’t know about other guys but I also notice what is in the background of pics. Floral curtains and lace tablecloths in the background of a guy wearing leather tells me a lot. Compose the whole photo to convey what you are trying to get across. If they decide they might be interested based on your photos they will move on to your profile.

Third, some sites also let you check off the type of guys you are into and the particular things you want to do and things that turn you on/off. Again, fill this all in to answer as many questions in advance as possible. This is really important if you are into anything non-standard. If you are a cute, buff boy looking for another cute, buff boy you’ll likely get approached by who you are looking for. But if you are a cute, buff boy looking for a bear or a daddy type or a drag queen then you better say so as these guys may assume they are not your type. Most sites give you the opportunity to fill in your stats, height, age, top/bottom, cut/uncut, etc. Fill this all in then you don’t need to waste space in your written description saying “29 year old bottom, 6 feet tall.” Providing all this info allows the reader to check off some of his preference questions. If I’m only interested in uncut men don’t make me waste my time chatting with you only to find out after a few minutes that you are cut.

Finally, we come to the few sentences that you have to state your case. Don’t tell me your hobbies, ambitions, or philosophy of life because if you are going to be sucking my cock tonight the conversation may likely not to go much further than “yeah suck me” followed by “thanks, goodbye.” Don’t ever describe yourself as straight acting. You may be masculine, you might be butch, maybe you are a regular guy but if you suck cock you are not straight acting. Never be negative! Do not say no fats, no fems, no old guys. It is fine to say “only interested in gym toned 21 year old Latinos” but it is never necessary to insult other cruisers by eliminating them that way in your profile. Try to succinctly say what it is that you are looking for with your posting. Try to convey the scenario you are into. So instead of saying, “nice guy who grows geraniums on his patio and goes sailing on weekend would like to chat with like minded guys, and see what develops” you might say “looking for a cock sucking adventure with a black muscle guy.” You need to lay it on the line. You want to state what you are looking for and who you are looking to do it with.

Now the guy browsing your profile has seen what you look like and read what you are into. If he contacts you there is a real chance that you’ll be compatible.

As I said at the beginning, this is advice for hooking up with guys for sex. If you are looking for love it might be relevant to include biographical information. But most love affairs, as well as many friendships that I know of, started with lust.

With a bit of trepidation I off my own profile located at www.bearwww.com/pleasure_activist as an example of practicing what I preach.

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From: Michael
Subject: Changing behaviour
Question: My question involves changing the behaviour of the new man in my life. It's not that I want him to change his personality, which I don't believe in, but rather I want to modify his sexual techniques. Fact is that he's a terrible kisser, which is important to me. As well, even though we are great together and really hot for each other, the sex seems clumsy. We are both in our thirties and if anything he has more experience so I can't really play the teacher/more-experienced role. I've had some really great lovers in my past, which taught me a lot. I think his history is more a large number of tricks. Maybe this is part of the explanation. What do you think?

Dear Michael: This is a very touchy question. There is no good way to tell someone they are not good at sex. I saw a Sex in the City episode in which Charlotte had a boyfriend who was a bad kisser. The girls of the show came up with advice that made sense to me: instead of being negative “tell him what turns you on, and make it about you.” Although it did not end up working in the show, this seems like a good way to approach this issue.

You need to say something about the kissing without it being a complaint. You don’t say what he does that you don’t like but you might try saying something like, “it may seem odd to you but the only way I really get turned on by kissing is when a guy (insert your needs here).” If he wants to please you he’ll move in that direction unless of course the only way he gets off on kissing is the way he does it now.

As for the sex being clumsy, it takes time to learn to make love with an ongoing partner. Quick tricks are easy because of the excitement inherent in the event and long-term lovers learn what works. As a new couple you are still learning about what works for the two of you. It is sometimes easier to talk about sex at this stage of getting to know each other. Again, you might take the blame onto yourself and say, “I need you to do this for me to get off” or “this position works better for me.” If most of his experience is just tricking then he may be used to mostly worrying about satisfying himself rather than working to please an ongoing lover. Speak up now so you can work it out. If you go forward with the relationship you need to get the sex working for both of you and he may think it’s fine if you say nothing.

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