Features > The Guidance Counselor

by Doug McClelland

[Editor: See here for our standard note on confidentiality and anonymity.]

(posted July, 2006)

From: Cobalt
Subject: Getting picked up as a sub
Question: Hi there. I sometimes frequent leather clubs and bars. I enjoy my encounters there. As I more often than not seem to end up taking the initiative, I never get picked up as a sub -- something I would like to do. Do you know of any techniques to this end?

Dear Cobalt: Often it is hard to read the sexual intentions of guys when you first meet. Short of asking directly, how can you tell?

In most places you either have to ask or guess. But in your question you say that you are frequenting leather bars. Leather bars are one of the last bastions of signalling your intentions by wearing certain accessories. So if you want to go out as a butch bottom, instead of your usual top persona, you can signal this quite easily. Displaying on the left means you are looking to top, and displaying on the right means you want to bottom. A blue handkerchief showing from your rear right pants pocket says you want to get fucked. Wearing your keys on the right sends the same message. Or you could wear an armband on your right arm. If you are wearing a biker jacket you could hook a cock ring through the right shoulder flap. Wearing these items on the left means you want to top. This is an old system that was once widely used as sort of discreet signals in a more closeted world, but is still used in leather bars.

The other suggestion I would make is for you to come on to guys who you know to be tops, either by their reputation or their displays. Apparently you come across as a top. It is my personal experience that fucking a guy generally considered to be a top adds to the sense of sexual conquest. So you should have no problem scoring. If asked whether you are a top or a bottom, you might quote the old saying “bottom is a sexual position, but top is only a negotiating position” to imply that you are into getting fucked in the right situation. Good luck.

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From: Rick
Subject: Sex in the steamroom
Question: Being in the steamroom at the gym, how can you tell if the other guy there is interested in giving a blowjob? What are the best words for conversation to get to know he is interested in cock?

Dear Rick: I used to score all the time in the sauna at the gym of my university. I’ll tell you what worked for me. Assuming there are just the two of you in the steam, what I would do is get my dick half hard, and position myself so that the other guy could see it. Half hard could mean that the heat is just making you feel good. Don’t get fully hard. Then watch to see if the other guy is checking out your cock. If he’s not interested he either will not be checking out your cock, or will look away upon noticing a bit of hardening. But if he is interested he’ll keep checking you out. In my experience, the other guy, if interested, will then do much the same as you. He’ll move into a position where you can see his dick, and he’ll start to get hard. Once he responds that much you can get fully hard and show off the goods.

Once you have two guys with hardons alone in a steamroom, how much conversation do you need? “How ya doing today” or “the steam feels real good today” might be suitable. But once you are both showing hard you would not be out of line to move over beside him. And once beside him, you could reach over and stroke his cock a bit. Then just start making out.

Now, as to whether he will want to blow you, or be hoping for the reverse, you just have to work that out at the time. But putting your hand on the back of his head and very gently pushing it down towards your cock will tell him what you want. A sure fire way to make things clear is for you to start by sucking his cock. Then sit up and lean back a bit showing your cock. He’ll know what is expected, and if he is into it you’ll have his lips around your cock.

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From: Richard
Subject: The condom broke
Question: Hi Doug. Recently I got my butt fucked with a condom. But all of the sudden I heard "pop. " Then the guy pulled out and we became aware the condom broke. So I am very concerned and cannot sleep worrying if I will get HIV over this matter. It seems to me that the guy who was fucking me got all scared and he left the scene. So what should I do? How long do I have to wait to go test and make sure I am safe?

Dear Richard: Even when you do everything right, bad things can happen. This is why we use the expression ‘safer sex’ not ‘safe sex’. You just can’t be 100% safe because accidents happen. The other guy may have left suddenly because he was as freaked out as you were. You don’t say whether he came inside you. If he did not, there is little chance that you have anything to worry about. If his cum did stay inside you, and you have no way of finding out his status, you’ll have to wait at least three months to find out.

A simple blood test or oral swab can determine if you are infected with HIV. The HIV tests find antibodies in your system that naturally develop in response to contact with the virus. Usually, the antibodies appear within three months of infection, but it can take up to six. You must take precautions to protect other people until you know definitely that you're HIV negative six months later.

While the prognosis for people with HIV used to be grim, the advent of HAART (highly active antiretroviral therapy) has altered everything. It is now possible for people with HIV to hold off further damage to their immune systems and lead relatively normal lives. HAART is not a cure. And treatment is very expensive, which prevents it from being available to everyone. Although AIDS deaths are down, the number of HIV infections are growing in certain populations, especially among African-Americans, latinos and women. Adolescents of both sexes and teenage men who have sex with men are developing HIV at alarming rates. According to the Centres for Disease Control and Prevention the HIV epidemic is the second leading cause of death among adults between the ages of 25 to 44.

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