Features > The Guidance Counselor

by Doug McClelland

[Editor: See here for our standard note on confidentiality and anonymity.]

(posted August, 2006)

From: Jock-in-distress
Subject: Concerned
Question: Hello Doug. At my gym there is a guy employed there who also does massage, very upscale gym, but I don't know if I should take this as an insult or invitation: he has winked at me since I started my membership there. Just last week I went to the counter to purchase an apple after completing my workout. He gave it to me free! I’m a very masculine, muscular straight-looking/acting guy. It’s who I am! In addition I have a male married supervisor who always tells me how attractive he thinks I am. What's going on here? I question myself by asking, am I showing some weakness in any way? Feminine qualities or what? Can you help!?

Dear Jock: Let me make a straight analogy here since you consider yourself straight-acting. What does your typical straight guy do when he encounters a woman he is attracted to? He flirts or comes on to her. He does not analyze her sexual identity or marital status. He winks or comps her an apple at the food counter. She may or may not be interested and it is up to her to decide about responding.

These guys are likely doing the same thing to you; cruising you to let you know they are interested without knowing if you are going to respond or not. In this day and age it is quite acceptable for a gay guy to flirt with a straight guy, especially in someplace like a very upscale gym. So you may be coming across to them as a very hot straight guy whom they are attracted to.

On the other hand some of our gay brothers have very good ‘gaydar’ and these guys may be picking you out as gay by something about you. It could be something like noticing that you check out other men rather than women. Or maybe you are just not is butch as you think.

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From: George
Subject: Haemorrhoids
Question: Can you explain something about haemorrhoids? How they happen? How to know you have them? How to get rid of them? I think I have one but I'm too embarrassed to ask elsewhere and don't have a doctor to ask. Finally, is this something you might get more often because of sexual practices involving your ass?

Dear George: Many people believe that anal sex can cause the formation of haemorrhoids. While it can contribute to making the symptoms (pain, bleeding) worse, the sex itself is not the cause. Since there is no connection, you don't have to worry about the condition outing you to your doctor. More than fifty percent of all Americans have haemorrhoids at some point. It is not a "gay" thing. Most people have heard of the "pain and itching" on Preparation H commercials. A haemorrhoid is a collection of abnormally dilated veins in the rectum.

External haemorrhoids swell because blood clots inside and pain is the most common symptom. When internal haemorrhoids swell they often bleed painlessly. Itching and other rectal discomfort are also common symptoms of haemorrhoids. For Americans, the typical diet is low in fibre and high in fat; this predisposes people to harder stools and constipation, which puts pressure on your lower rectum causing the veins that are normally there to swell. These swellings are the haemorrhoids.

Haemorrhoids can often be treated at home with over the counter preparations. First, you must soften your stool. Fibre supplements such as Metamucil, Fibercon, and Citrucil help your body hold water in your stool so that it is softer and less traumatic to your haemorrhoids. As well, eating more fruit and coarse grain products (like oatmeal) will give you natural fibre. If your haemorrhoids are swollen and painful, you will find that soaking in a bath of warm water can go a long way toward relieving pain and reducing swelling.

Surgery is a last resort, and reserved for haemorrhoids that are too large to treat with other methods. Some doctors use lasers to remove haemorrhoids while others use scalpels. Either way, surgery is performed as an outpatient. You can forget about anal sex until the surgery heals (usually about two months).

If you're prone to haemorrhoid problems there are ways to minimize your attacks. Fibre supplements help keep your stool soft and bulky. Don't sit on the toilet seat and read. If you workout be sure that you aren't bearing down. This forces blood into your haemorrhoids and causes swelling. Eliminating spicy foods, alcohol and caffeine can often reduce symptoms.

If you have haemorrhoids, you might have discomfort or bleeding during anal sex. A good lubricant will help as will a partner who understands your problem and has a more gentle approach. Experiment with positions to find one that keeps your haemorrhoids from swelling. (Often lying on your stomach is preferable to lying on your back with your legs in the air.)

This is the type of situation that reminds us all of the need to establish a relationship with a good doctor, preferably one who is gay. It is really important to be able to discuss your health issues openly with a doctor you are comfortable with.

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From: Solo Sleeper
Subject: Lonely nights
Question: I started dating this guy about months ago and we are getting along great. Things are good in and out of bed. But what's been bothering me is that we don't spend the night together. My place is convenient to his job and all the nightlife in the city, so we often start out and end up at my apartment. When I mention that I'd like to see his place and ask why we don't hang out at his place he gets real vague or changes the subject. I guess I'm more into the cuddling and falling asleep together stuff than he is, so it makes me feel kind of cheap when he grabs his pants and goes home immediately after sex. I'm still kind of new to this and he's only the second guy I've dated seriously. Am I just expecting too much too soon? Is this something I should expect?

Dear Solo Sleeper: My first thought is that this guy has a partner at home waiting for him. This would explain why it is never going to be convenient for you to visit his place. He may be cheating on his partner or they may have an open relationship, which accommodates affairs on the side. The only thing wrong with this situation would be his keeping you in the dark. You might be OK with looking on this as a fun affair. But I detect in your letter that you look upon this relationship as potentially more serious.

Have you met any of his friends? If not, maybe he is keeping them out of the picture so they don’t spill the story. If you have met his friends, start asking some simple questions. Do you phone him at home or has he only given you his cell number? Maybe you could just drop in on him at home sometime. You need to find out what the situation is.

Alternatively, he just may be the type of guy who prefers to trick at other guys’ places. I always prefer to go to someone else’s place because fucking in strange surroundings is more fun for me. Also, if I was bringing a trick home I’d be worrying whether the house was a mess. If this is the reason in your case then it is still a problem, considering you’ve been together for four months, because it indicates that he’s not responding to your needs to sleep together and to know him better by seeing where he lives.

Finally, there may be a perfectly acceptable reason for his behaviour that he just isn’t ready to share with you yet. Maybe his mother lives with him. Maybe he is embarrassed that his place is a total dump compared to yours. Maybe he knows he snores like a truck. Maybe he takes medication that he has to get home to access.

You asked if you were expecting too much too soon. No, I don’t think so. At this point I’d say you should be able to expect him to clear up what the facts are for you.

 

The Guidance Counselor appears each third Thursday of the month. Email your questions to doug@cruisingforsex.com.

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