Features > The Guidance Counselor

by Doug McClelland

[Editor: See here for our standard note on confidentiality and anonymity.]

(posted October, 2006)

From: Brad
Subject: Safe sex
Question: I am a married bisexual and cannot, for obvious reasons, bring any "bugs" home. If I am comfortable with my male lover's status, no HIV, hepatitis A, B or C or any of the other STD's, would it be safe for me to dispense with the condoms? I love oral sex and remember my pre-married days (before AIDS) when I swallowed my partner's loads with no ill effects and would like to again enjoy mouth to skin. Also, under these conditions, would it be safe for me to rim him (any other bugs to speak of?) or get fucked, bareback?

Dear Brad: The pre-AIDS days were great. Sex was free and had no consequences that a dose of antibiotics wouldn’t clear up. It allowed you to have a freedom that young men now can’t even dream of, let alone remember.

In your case I’m not sure that ‘comfortable’ is the right word here. If you said you are ‘certain’ that your male partner is free of all diseases then I would say go for it. Is he having sex with other men? If so, then are you certain about all of them too?

I believe under the conditions you describe that I would feel comfortable sucking without a condom, and swallowing. I would also feel comfortable rimming. But I would continue to use a condom to get fucked. Most guys who get AIDS get it from being fucked bareback. That’s just the line I draw personally.

There are always possibilities that your male lover will come in contact with anything from crabs to a variety of STDs, but these can be dealt with. But, if you are certain about your guy, then go for it.

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From: Synasthesia
Subject: Bi-phobia
Question: You are bi-phobic. In your advice column you said how male bi-sexuality doesn't exist. This is bullshit and countless studies have proved that it does, and don't give me the recent flawed study that Dr. Bailey did about how it supposedly doesn't exist. Does using porn with only 50 people and measuring rates of arousal actually prove anything about sexual orientation? The study is a joke and here's a link to it in case you want to read this piece of trash that they're touting as "truth" or even research: http://www.susiebright.blogs.com/BiMen.pdf. Mr. Bailey is the same guy who has also published work to the effect that parents should take advantage of future genetics technology to selectively make their babies heterosexual, because it seems like the moral thing to do. He also has done a study about MTF (male transgendered females) that is highly flawed. I don't get why people don't understand that I can fall in love and have sex with men and women and I'm more attracted to the person and not their gender. I make no apologies for writing this letter or for taking a stand against ignorant people such as yourself who spread bi-phobia in their poorly written advice columns. Think about people besides your monosexual self and your own experiences before you write the "advice" that you do.

Dear Synasthesia: I’ve never said bisexuality does not exist. What I’ve said, and continue to stand by, is that in my experience most ‘bi’ guys go on to evolve into gay men.

I’ve read the study and would urge anyone interested in the subject to read it. It’s pretty straight forward. Take a bunch of guys who label themselves Straight, Bi, and Gay. Show them different types of porn and measure their arousal to see if their sexual response matches their public pose. To be a bit simplistic, the results showed that the bi guys only got hard dicks for gay porn.

This study supports my own observation, that may guys pass through a phase of calling themselves ‘bi’ when they are coming out. And I’m sure that during that period they genuinely believe they are bisexual. We mostly start out brainwashed by straight society and it is a tumultuous process to come to the realization that we are sexually interested in men. Eventually most choose which party they want to continue attending based on the personal and emotional bonds they develop. So even though both an ass and a pussy are warm and wet, generally you’ll find that it eventually becomes important who these holes are attached to.

Yes I’m sure there are some truly bisexual people out there, look at the preceding letter in this column. But things generally develop in one direction or the other for most people.

If you are happy, I’m happy for you. Don’t let me rain on your parade. But I suspect that I would not have received your slightly hysterical email on this subject if you were feeling calmly confident in your bisexual identity. Why would you let the personal opinion of some nobody like me in some poorly written advice column get you so worked up?

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From: Cut Guy
Subject: Circumcision
Question: I’ve heard that studies show that circumcision reduces the chances of contracting HIV. Why would that be?

Dear Cut Guy: MI’m uncut myself and wouldn’t want it any other way. I love uncut cocks. But I love cut cocks too. Both have their charms.

But it seems that uncircumcised men are more vulnerable to contracting HIV. The HIV virus is very fragile, and dies quickly outside the body. But the area under your foreskin apparently is a perfect breeding ground for the virus. So if you fuck an infected guy bareback and end up with the virus under your foreskin, it will breed there and you may become infected. Since uncut men do not have this place, any virus on their dick should quickly die.

The solution is simple. Use a condom. If you fuck bareback wash thoroughly with soap and water afterwards, paying particular attention to the inside of your foreskin.

The studies that you are likely referring to have mainly been done in Africa where condoms and sanitation are less available. To conclude, let me quote some thought provoking comments from a discussion about the African studies (please note that the below does not reflect my personal opinions)…

“The stakes in that question are becoming deadly serious. Of the 5 million people who contracted HIV last year, two-thirds lived in sub-Saharan Africa. In Swaziland, more than one-third of adults have the virus. In South Africa, nearly 30 percent of pregnant women are carrying it. Four years ago, an analysis of 38 studies by the U.S. Agency for International Development, mostly in Africa, concluded that circumcised men were less than half as likely as uncircumcised men to get HIV, apparently because of the susceptibility of foreskin. Last fall, reporting on a randomized controlled trial in South Africa, scientists found that circumcision reduced female-to-male transmission by 60 percent. "Male circumcision provides a degree of protection against acquiring HIV infection, equivalent to what a vaccine of high efficacy would have achieved," they wrote. It was, they observed, "the first experimental study demonstrating that surgery can be used to prevent an infectious disease."

Think about that: surgery as a vaccine. Drug researchers would kill for an HIV vaccine half as effective as circumcision. Condoms and abstinence often aren't effective because they require diligence. Circumcision works more reliably for the same reason foreskin enthusiasts hate it: it lasts forever. In the parlance of AIDS doctors, it's a "one-off intervention." Using the new data, scientists estimate that over the next 20 years, circumcision in sub-Saharan Africa could prevent 6 million infections and 3 million deaths.

What do you do when mutilation turns out to save lives? Anti-circumcisionists can't bear it. Years ago, they denied the HIV-prevention effect. When evidence from Africa defied them, they changed the subject to Europe. When evidence from Europe defied them, they changed the subject again. Some say a link between circumcision and HIV can never be proved. Others ignore it. Others insist it's unethical and false. It can't be true. It's heresy.

The strongest argument against circumcising babies to prevent HIV is that they're too young to consent, and they won't be at risk for the virus till they're grown. But we vaccinate babies all the time. Should we treat circumcision like a vaccine? At clinics across southern Africa, men are lining up, pleading, and nearly rioting to be circumcised. They want protection. Can we assume their sons would want the same thing?

 

The Guidance Counselor appears each third Thursday of the month. Email your questions to doug@cruisingforsex.com.

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