Features > The Guidance Counselor

by Doug McClelland

(posted April, 2003)

From: Top Topper
Subject: How to get your top to roll over
Question: I've recently begun seeing a hot man and I'm beginning to see the possibility of this progressing to something more serious. But there is one problem. I am versatile and he prefers to only be a top.

The sex is great but I would like to fuck him sometimes. He says he just does not like bottoming much. He has said that about the only times he has bottomed in the past have been occasions where his partner has rimmed him especially well, which created a situation in which he became comfortable with the sex being about his ass.

I'm not into rimming for the obvious reasons. I've always had concerns about cleanliness and disease.

Do you have any tips for getting my top to roll over?

Dear Top Topper: Congratulations on your budding relationship.

The ‘falling in love’ stage of a relationship is full of uncritical passion. However, for long term success of a relationship sexual compatibility can be very important. So you are wise to be thinking about it in your developing romance. It is important that you both feel sexually satisfied to prevent resentments and frustrations from building up over time.

I have two suggestions for you.

Persuade your buddy to bottom for you once. Beg him, bribe him, guilt him, let him choose the time, place and position but get him to do it once. Then instead of taking your pleasure fucking his ass, make it all about pleasing him. Don’t even think about your own comfort and pleasure, just work to make the experience great for him. Your goal is to make him say to himself “I liked that” and for him to say to you “we can do this again”. If you can show him that he can have a good time bottoming you’ll have a chance in getting to top on occasion.

The other thing I would like to suggest to you is that he has already given you an engraved invitation to fuck him by confiding that rimming is the way to his asshole. Perhaps it is you who needs to expand your repertoire to get what you want. Rimming a clean ass is a fairly harmless activity. Your partner has been up front with you in explaining his needs so you should be the same. Explain to him your apprehension about cleanliness and ask him to wash thoroughly before the two of you get started. Or you could take matters gently into your own hands and start your sex play in the shower. Once in the shower you can volunteer to lather him up, taking extra care to soap his ass. Make this attention to his ass the beginning of your foreplay. Having washed his ass yourself you will hopefully feel more comfortable in approaching rimming him. Rimming is one of the delights of gay sex. You do yourself and your lover a disservice by avoiding it.

A note to those getting rimmed…you have an obligation to make sure your ass is thoroughly clean if you want to enjoy the pleasures of being rimmed.

In many parts of the world there is a wonderful extra piece of equipment in the bathroom; a bidet. Just as you wash your hands in the sink after using the toilet, you wash your ass in the bidet…very civilized.

---

From: Ball Man
Subject: Shaving your cock and balls
Question: I hear about the term ‘shaved cock & balls’ a lot. Other than the obvious, how does one go about shaving their cock and balls? Or does it mean trimming the area? I have trimmed my pubic area and it makes by cock look bigger. I can see shaving the pubic area to get a smooth, young, boy-like look but the cock and balls are a different ball game (no pun intended). Can you give a description? Or is there another method (i.e. laser hair removal, etc.)?

Dear Ball Man: Having a shaved cock and balls (as well as ass) is popular now in mainstream gay porn. It makes the stars’ cocks look bigger and lets the camera see all the details in the close ups. From porn the look has moved into a certain segment of our community. It is done much like you would shave your face. You lather up the area with shaving cream and use a safety razor (obviously) to gently shave. You stretch your balls to smooth the skin. Some guys shave in the bath or the shower. Having a partner shave you can be fun and sexy. As a matter of fact in my local gay newspaper, there is an ad from a guy offering to shave other men’s cock and balls.

Shaving does indeed make your cock look bigger as the base is not hidden in hair. It is also the sensation of smooth balls and dick that many men and their partners enjoy. However, this look is generally only attractive if you have a porn star body and cock. If you want to go in this direction yourself, I’d suggest you try trimming your pubic hair around your dick with scissors. You can go shorter and shorter, till you get the look you want, and then you still have the option to go on to shaving. Then go ahead and shave your balls. Also be advised that stubble growing back in this area is just as unpleasant as stubble in other places. I am not aware of laser hair removal being done in this area. Also do not try using waxing (ouch!) or creams designed to take the hair off legs.

Personally, I think body hair is sexy and masculine although I have enjoyed shaved asses from time to time.

---

From: Bi Urges
Subject: Anal desires for years
Question: I am new to CRUISING for SEX. I have had bi-sexual urges for years and have chickened out on acting on them. The closest I have come was at a conference once. While at the hotel I entered the sauna and man, I met this really hot guy. To say the least I was aroused. He gave enough hints but I chickened out. As we left he stopped at the door with this deep 'I could eat you alive look'. But I chickened out. I am married with kids. I am not promiscuous. I have been getting these feelings more and more the last year or so and have chatted online and visited sites like this. I really want to explore. Where and how should I start and safety tips for an amateur like me would be welcomed. I love my ass played with. I love oral with a woman and would explore with a man since the thought of 69’ing with a man as we fondle each other's ass really arouses me. Your response to Virgin Ass helped some.

Dear Bi Urges: Lots of guys are bisexual and lots of married men fool around on the side. As Erica Jong said, “monogamy is impossible among interesting people.”

I think gay liberation has been great for gay men but difficult for bi men. Now if you have sex with a man people say you are gay while in the pre-liberation days you could have sex with other men from time to time without feeling pressured to adopt a homosexual identity. But there are still lots of men out there with feelings similar to yours.

For someone such as you, looking for a safe place to get some man-to-man experience, I’d suggest that you go to a bathhouse. A bath is set up somewhat like the hotel sauna you visited. You go in and check into a small room or a locker. Then you take off your clothes and tie a towel around your waist and go out and wander around the facility. Depending on the place it will have a steamroom, a dry sauna and workout equipment like a regular gym, plus possibly a dark room, a maze, a lounge showing porn videos and other spaces facilitating sex. You can relax in your room with the door open to see who approaches or you can cruise the halls or steamroom to find a guy. You can be assured that everyone else there is also looking for sex, eliminating your need to guess about other men in a hotel sauna.

When you meet someone you can be fairly direct in indicating what you want to do. If a guy is not into what you have in mind simply say ‘no thanks’ and go on to another guy. If you are really nervous you may choose to just take in the ambience on your first visit.

The bathhouse is a long-standing gay institution and if you check out our sex listings you will see they are located in every corner of the country. Find one conveniently located for you and check it out.

---

From: Illiterate Guy
Subject: Post-gay
Question: I wonder if you can tell me what the term 'Post-Gay' means. I've seen it used recently, and wonder what exactly the term is meant to imply. It's not in my dictionary. Thanks.

Dear Illiterate Guy: Post-gay is a term used mainly by white, middle-aged, upper-middle class, American gay men who feel that they are totally integrated into the larger straight society. It is meant to imply that they are so assimilated that their gayness is no longer of key importance to their day-to-day life.

I'd suggest that this concept more accurately reflects that a certain number of gay men are affluent enough to buy themselves social independence and that they have chosen to live in ghettos of 'liberalism' instead of the gay ghettos.

Although I would not go as far as Brian Kinney did in saying "there are only two types of straits...those who hate you to your face, and those who hate you behind your back." I do believe that the pinnacles of gay life occur in gay places. I look at assimilation into straight society in much the same way as Captain Janeway looks at assimilation by the Borg -- to dilute our uniqueness in the larger pool of straight society is a recipe for blandness.

 

del.icio.us