Features > The Guidance Counselor

by Doug McClelland

(posted May, 2003)

From: David
Subject: Picking up a gay guy for sex
Question: I'm a forty-five year old BiWPM. I look more like a guy about thirty-five or thirty-six. Sometime ago I was strolling through a department store at the mall during my lunch hour. I noticed an attractive GBM at one of the cosmetic counters. His name is Tom and he looks to be about thirty-five years old or so. Since then I've stopped by his counter to chat and I've even made a substantial purchase from him. I'd like to have sex with Tom.

All my sexual partners have been guys in their mid-twenties that I've met through personal ads in a local alternative newspaper. For the most part the sex has been intense and extremely pleasurable. You meet and if you hit it off, you go to bed. Quite simple.

What do you advise concerning picking up Tom for sex? This scenario is completely foreign to me. I have no idea about his personal life outside the store or if he has a lover.

Dear David: The first thing I must bring to your attention is that most cosmetic counter staff is on commission. It is their job to engage you, make you feel good and then to make the sale. That’s how they make their living. So I hope you are not confusing gracious service with flirtation.

Now, presuming that you have indeed received something more than gracious service, there are a couple of options for going further.

The soft option would be to suggest coffee, lunch or a drink after work some day. If he says no then I’d suggest that he is not interested. If he says yes, use this engagement to find out if there is a lover as well as other pertinent details, and to determine if there is a mutual sexual attraction. Tell him you find him very attractive. If he reciprocates you have some clarity. Then you can either arrange to meet again for the sex or perhaps immediately head off to your place.

The hard option would be to bring up the subject at the department store. Assuming you are able to have a conversation without being overheard, put it bluntly. Say something like, “Since I’ve been stopping by your counter to chat I’ve come to realize I find you very attractive. Would you be interested in getting together?” If the feeling is mutual you can set it up. He may be looking for a long-term relationship or maybe just a trick behind his lover’s back but you can work out those details after the sex. If he is not interested he can decline with any of a variety of reasons. If he declines you may still drop by to chat but you should not waste any more time on thinking about getting together.

Good luck.

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From: Andy
Subject: Asian males
Question: I feel like I am back in high school talking to a counselor…I have a question for you since you have traveled extensively and have experiences with different cultures.

Why do gays in Vancouver not find Asian males attractive (not even other gay Asian males with each other) except a few old ‘rice queens’? I've been living here in Vancouver for almost ten years. I feel invisible in bars and don't get cruised on the streets. The few times that I’ve gotten lucky were in the gym's shower when they see what I have between my legs, ditto at the baths.

I want to do the dating things, not just to have someone giving me a quick blowjob or fuck them up the ass. On the other hand, I have met a lot of nice guys, some even became good friends during my time of travel to different parts of Canada and in the United States.

Maybe you can shed some light on this.

Dear Andy: Let me divide your question into two.

You say you have met lots of nice guys traveling, so we can assume that you are an attractive man. So what do you do that is different when you are traveling? You are on vacation so you are more relaxed, feeling more adventurous, maybe in a bigger city or a resort where there are just more people. So you meet more men and get lucky more often. If you are staying in North America you are probably visiting places where there may not be many Asian males, and so you may be a novelty too. Many people report that they have more fun (sex) on vacation than at home. As well, in your particular case, Vancouver is known for its boring gay scene compared to other major cities. So you may just have to travel more.

The second part of your question about who one guy finds attractive while another guy does not is an extremely complex issue. Some people say opposites attract, some say men usually pair up with guys similar to themselves. Sometimes we focus on a particular build, complexion, fetish, race or body part. I don’t think it is fair for you to assert that gays in Vancouver do not like Asian men. Gay Vancouver has a huge Asian community that is very integrated. Your letter makes it sound like you yourself do not find other Asian men attractive. If you are saying you only want to meet white guys, then are you being as racially focused as you suggest others of being? There are groups specifically for Asian men and those who are attracted to them; perhaps you might check them out.

There are so many facets of attraction involved in cruising. For example, I’m into big, husky guys and big cocks. If you have a small build like most Asian men, I would not likely be cruising you on the street; but as you mentioned that you have a big cock, I might be the one coming on to you in the shower. Neither scenario has to do with you being Asian. I cannot deny that race plays a part in many men’s sexual tastes but it is my observation that there are many, many men who are attracted to those of races other than their own. So while there will always be some guys who are not attracted to your Asian look, there will also be guys who particularly find your Asian look sexy.

To meet men for relationships I think it is important to cruise places where you are likely to find the type of man you want. If you are looking for disco bunnies then you go to the disco. If you are looking for mature men, maybe you should attend some Prime-Timers events. If you want athletic guys join a gay sports club. The more people you meet the better the chance that you will meet someone with whom there is a mutual attraction. Focus on events that encourage mingling and talking, not standing around bars.

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From: Bottoms Up
Subject: Power-plunging
Question: Hi. I power-plunged Ecstasy with a friend for the first time recently. It was great but I wonder if you could advise me on the safety of this delivery method.

Dear Bottoms Up: Power-plunging is a method of taking drugs that involves dissolving the powder in a solution of water, then sucking up the resulting solution into a syringe without a needle attached. This instrument is then inserted into the asshole. Then the plunger of the syringe is pressed shooting the solution deep into your ass.

Why would someone do this? There are a number of reasons. A practical reason is that this method allows a drug to be consumed without passing through the stomach, thus allowing many people to avoid uncomfortable feeling that some drugs produce when taken orally. It also is an alternative to snorting drugs through the nose, which can produce irritation.

It is a very efficient delivery method similar to taking suppositories. The membranes inside the ass have lots of blood vessels close to surface (similar to the nose) allowing for rapid absorption. Although suppositories have never been a very popular delivery system in America, in some place many drugs are delivered anally (particularly France).

Finally, it can also be erotic if you are doing it with another guy. Which reminds me of the first time I encountered such a thing. Many years ago in Winnipeg, my dear (but decadent) friend Randy hosted a power-plunge party for twenty guys before a night at The Club. As the host he insisted on administering each guest’s squirt personally. The process of twenty guys dropping their pants and bending over certainly got the party underway.

As for the safety of this method, I would compare it to snorting drugs. The membrane is delicate, and could be burned. However, the dilution of the drug in water probably makes this less likely.

Play safely.

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From: Jim
Subject: Travel info
Question: I enjoy reading your column on CRUISING for SEX and especially like your straight-forward approach to issues, casting aside society's "norms" or even outdated gay ideas.

I read with much interest your discussion on gay travel, in particular, Buenos Aires. I work in the travel industry and will be traveling to South America at the end of November on a fifteen-night luxury cruise from Valparaiso to Buenos Aires. The cruise will overnight at the end in BA and I also will have the opportunity to spend three nights in a hotel there.

I always like to mix sex with the locals as part of experiencing a country. So I was wondering if you could give me some leads on the bars baths, etc. I like toilet scenes, too -- love to play in backrooms. Also, did you stay at the Castellar Hotel and was it nice? Would you recommend it? Was it cruisy?

Thanks for the help! If you know anybody who wants to join me in November, I have a great stateroom with veranda to share!

Dear Jim: BA is great; you should definitely spend time there after the cruise. Think of a dilapidated Paris with a dash of Manhattan and a Latin beat.

Yes I stayed at the Castellar Hotel. Despite its beautiful antique lobby, the rooms are only three-star. But I have only rarely had any 'adventures' in five-star properties. As a hotel guest you have free access to the basement spa which is a trip. I had a manicure, pedicure and massage in the spa and then went to the steamroom and got a blowjob. The place is like something from the 1950's....everyone playing straight till they get to the steamroom then bang, it all happens. There are mainly older guys and bear types as well as a variety of other men who might not go to a gay bath (and those who chase them).

My companion had sex twice with a very cute young bellhop from the hotel who came up to adjust the air conditioning. I was cruised by a cute young guest in the lobby, whom I later met in the steamroom (he was from a different part of Argentina and was staying at the Castellar because of its reputation).

The hotel is listed in the Grey Gay Guide, which is an online guide for older gay men. So it depends on your age, taste in men, and room requirements as to if you would want to stay at the Castellar. There is a small gay bar called the Tacla a few doors from the hotel, at 1114 Ave de Mayo, that is a good place to pick up the local gay guides listing all the bars, baths and restaurants.

As for bars, I'd suggest Contramano located at 1082 Rodriguez Pena, which starts to get busy around midnight. It has a mixed age clientele, a big bar area, a dance floor, is very cruisy and it is possible to have sex in the upstairs washroom (I did both nights I was there).

There are a couple of big discos that were recommended to me by guys I met there (but that I did not get to). Palacio at 934 Alsina, on Friday nights and Amerika at 1040 Gascon on Saturdays...never before 2 am.

The XXX cinema called Box, at 1423 Lapride, is interesting. And the sexclub called A Full, at 1770 Viamonte was also recommended to me by a bartender I became friendly with.

If you like cruisy washrooms check out the men's room at the main railway station. Cruising also goes on in the subway washrooms.

I'm sure you'll enjoy yourself.

 

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